deadbolt_1111

woopa

Tue, 17 Oct 2006 00:35:20 GMT

wow i used to be a silly little emo bastard haha
i havne not been on this site in a good long while so i thought it was time for a post
nobody really reads them anyways so its sweet
My life right now is being built up over again
ive done a lot of growing in recent weeks, and havent talked to her in two.
i feel better than ive felt in ages
i just don't think about it anymore
if she really gave a shit she'd try a little, and god knows ive tried enough
and theres a lot of important people to me up here who im going to get to see now
no more rules
no more lies
im going to live my life easy lucky free
and its about time i did something for myself
because i deserve it.

update

Fri, 13 Jan 2006 03:39:53 GMT

Im back home now. In good ol calgary. I miss Eva but not home. Wish she would move here it would make life perfect. Oh well. Classes are hard, this term is going to be a lot harder than the last one. Um tomorrow Tyler and Jess and Me are going to megatunes after school. So thatll be good. Then the alley on saturday will be good drunken fun. Updates will come later.

Thu, 01 Dec 2005 09:30:04 GMT

Ok, here we go.. about me. My names Andrew McInnis and Im a fucking asshole. Im probally the biggest asshole youll ever meet. Unless I like you. Then I'll deal with you. I live in Calgary now, I used to live in a small town called Creston, in BC. I kind of wish I was home again, but thats just because so much of my life is there. My best friend is there, my girlfriend is there, all my family and true friends are there as well, unless there off in college somewhere like me I guess. I live in residence at SAIT. Im going to school for journalism in hopes that I will become a sports writer for some paper. If that doesnt work out I might just go into construction. Seems liek a good idea. Everyone says this but I love my music. It's what keeps me going. I like sports like hockey and soccer. Oh and bowling. I smoke weed and drink too much. Im going to try to eliminate one of them pretty soon. It would be nice to not have to depend on something. I've had my heart broken more times then I can count. I just dont understand how some people can be so sick and so cruel. I guess it was always just my nice happy little life that did it to me though. Like, when I was younger my parents taught me a ton of things that you just dont do to people and I thought everyone would have that same common sense I guess. I just dont get why people have to be so sick. Woah rant. Anyways. I dont like being in love because it always ends up hurting. But my girlfrined right now, she makes me want to keep trying everyday. I dont know I fucked up really badly in recent months, and shes taken me back. She shows her love to me everyday. It hurts that shes not here, but I know im always with her. We've almost been together a year minus the month "break". Yay us. Um yea.. I like the pool at SAIT. Its fun. Um I like movies, and watching movies with Alicia is like one of my favorite things to do. Weekends I can usually be found at a bar, usually the back alley hanging out there or out for an adventure. I love Kensington. Its a good place to be. i like mushrooms to. there always fun. I miss a lot of people who are really close to me. I miss my brother and my 3 brothers and 1 sister who arent really my brothers or sister haha. Marcel, Colleen, Andrew, Riley, Patrick. We're all pretty tight. We grew up together and I love you all like family. I guess I want to end this little speel with just a list of people whos friendships have meant a lot to me and I've got many memories from. Chelsea Rogers, Dustin Wiebe, Simone Lansing, Aaron Willicome, Foster Harris, Donny Hurford, Bob Cunningham, Eric Nutzhorn, Alison Cobra, Brian Potyok, Jessica Taylor, Alex Minichello, Zach Johnston, Rachael Wassink. youve all taught me a ton, and I have nothign but respect for you all. To my current new friends, Ian, Alicia S, Jess, Alicia K, Kalan, Grandpa, Jeff, Kate thanks so far? yea.. I guess im done. It's 2:30 AM and I got bored! This is what resulted. WHEW!

I wrote that for a nexopia profile. thought i'd throw it in here to jsut for fun

Mon, 21 Nov 2005 03:52:56 GMT

"your the most amazing person, you can make me laugh harder than anyone i know, make me smile, make me forget about everything wrong thats going on, you love me not matter how iam towards you, you can be yourself around me, and not hide anything, you make every kiss just as perfect as the last, and you never give up on me."

I love you darling, I wont give up one you.
As long as you dont give up on me. thanks.
I'll read this and know exactly why I wake
up every day.

rawrrr

Fri, 11 Nov 2005 16:51:28 GMT

I hate being sick. My throats killing me this morning. Ah it sucks so bad. I really need to go see a doctor. Maybe Eva will come with me. I cant believe shes going to be here today. I'm so effing excited. I cant wait. I went shopping with Kate yesterday and bought Eva a birthday present. I really hope she likes it. She should, and if not I guess we can always take it back. I gotta fucking go take Remembrance day pictures today. It sucks ass hardcore. But yea guess I should get on it.

Wed, 02 Nov 2005 17:20:11 GMT

Complete and total adoration,
My gift to you, my heart was yours,
In ten weeks you shaped it,
In one night you murdered it.
Torn from my chest and laid at your feet,
That first step that you took was the worst.
Since then you've walked a thousand miles in solace and short remark,
And I still have these memories,
But will never see what we could have been.
Remember when we talked about where we'd be a year from now?
Remember when you held my hand like you'd never let it go?
Remember, cause that's all you can do.
We'll never make another memory,
We'll never make another memory.
I wish I would have died in your arms the last time we were together,
So I wouldn't have to wake without you today.
This time I thought things were real,
You said they were,
What happened?
You were a priority,
Was I an option?
I let you see a side of me that I don't share with anyone.
Promises are just words unless they are fulfilled.
Knew from the beginning all I had to offer you was my heart,
I'm just sorry that it wasn't enough.
So, we'll go our own ways,
And hopefully you'll remember these things I've told you,
Hopefully you'll understand that everything I said is in sincerity.
A broken heart is not what I wanted from this,
But I guess I've learned from it.
But aren't you supposed to learn from your mistakes?
I don't consider this a mistake,
I just wish the story didn't end this way,
Cause I'm still in love with the person who helped me write it.
Remember when you held my hand like you'd never let it go?
Remember when we talked about where we'd be a year from now?

Now we can have all these things back. This song is just intense. Very emo haha. Gross.

Wed, 26 Oct 2005 00:42:17 GMT

Back to where I should have always been.
Eva has taken me back.
That prooves how much she really loves me.
How much we love each other after all of this.
Ton of major projects due.
So stressed out.
So.. happy.
Again.

Thu, 20 Oct 2005 15:20:54 GMT

I dumped kristin last night. Im tired of her shit, its pathetic. Plus other things have now swayed my mind. I'm still very much in ove with the girl who saved me. Very much in love with my girl from home. Its all I've ever wanted and this was such a stupid slip up that lasted much much longer then it ever should have. I suffered through lies and hurt and pain. I cant believe I put myself in theses situations. I know shes been fucking around on me to, like theres no doubt. She wont be seen with me infront of her friends or anything, so fuck that. I'm tired of being treated like shit. Tired of it. Eva Allan, I love you, and cant wait until November.

thoughts..

Sun, 16 Oct 2005 16:04:18 GMT

Well this week has been insane. I've been dumped a record 4 times. Kinda wow hey haha.. like all in 4 days. Im going to see her today to. Who knows whats goign to happen. This is the last chance. The last try.

which road to take.
which path to travel.
self improvement?
self destruction.
self improvement is self destruction.
whatever road i choose
i will be led straight to you
and i cant wait to meet you
i wonder what youll look like
if youll like the same things as me
if youll hold me when i cry
comfort me when i shake
maybe i know you already
maybe i just dont know it yet but youve been infront of me the entire time
i cannot wait for the day i meet you
the day i realize who you are
i love you
but until then there is no truth
until i find myself
once i find myself i will find you.
i am you.

Wed, 12 Oct 2005 18:26:43 GMT

The signal flares will light the way to the scene of the accident, where we'll dance like a pile of teeth in a broken mouth. Such a sick celebration. Everyone loves a fucking tragedy in epic proportions. Lets set our hearts at self-destruct. Like scarlet drips on a white tile floor. A cardiac metronome. We'll scrape the guardrail from our teeth and start again. There's a flood in the infirmary where we'll swim through broken glass. Our prosthetic limbs will keep us afloat. Lets set our hearts at self-destruct.

yet again im left with broken pride, and a damaged heart. You never loved me enough to break it. Your lies are over. Be free yellowbird. I will never seek you again.

Tue, 11 Oct 2005 15:48:39 GMT

so yea. I realized this weekend I have lost what I used to have, but I do have the chance to regain it someday, somehow. I don't know I miss everything. I miss every kiss, every hand hold, every scwhaa in the mouth haha. I miss how she plays with my hair. I miss how we bicker. I miss her eyes, her beautiful eyes. I miss her laugh and smile, and how I used to live for that laugh and smile. I mean who else, in the world, would seriously pop a pimple I have on my back. I dont thinkt heres a lot of takers, but she does it. I can burp in her face, she doesnt even get mad haha, she just laughs. I dont know, shes someone I can act entirely like me around. A little bit like how I used to be before I went crazy. Before my life got fucked up. Where I am now its a fight everyday. Who knows whats going to happen. I know things will work out how they need to.

Wed, 05 Oct 2005 06:02:42 GMT

"If love existed, we wouldn't be so soft and easy to ruin"

"I Still Love You Julie"

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 20:26:55 GMT

Last night, a room full, drunk, sang along to the songs I never had the courage to write.
Given the chance I'd stay in this chorus forever, where everything ugly in this world Is sadly beautiful in our desperate memories.
No, we're not gonna call everyone on their shit tonight,
Even though the half of you won't even smile the next time we pass on the street.
Maybe somehow this scam will still save us all...
Then I saw you dancing at a punk rock show
And for a moment we walked the streets that everyone else had given up to 4 AM,
'Cause promises and spray paint marking
Everywhere we went and every direction only going as far as we let it.
There's so many things we try to do truthfully.
By the time it's through with us, it all falls apart.
Maybe somehow this scam will still save us all.
Still save us all...

Today I feel better. I'm just ignoring it. Not letting it get to me. It will change soon. Thats all I can believe in. Time heals all. One day I will have what I need again. I just never knew it would be so hard to get there again.

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 00:38:20 GMT

Tonight looks like a wonderful night to die.. I asked how you could tell you told me to look at the sky.. Look at all those stars.. Look at how god dam lovely the stars are.

I've had enough of about everything in my life right now. I feel extremely sick. I was kinda excited to go to the arcade fire cause thats about the only way I'd get my girlfriend to spend any time with me at all this week. I cant do this. Seeing someone for like 5 minutes a day, or not at all. it doesnt cut it for me. the last time we actually spent time together.. which was a total of like.. 3-4 hours? was like last sunday. Not this one but the one before. I need to have someone here for me. It's how I am. There is no attempt. I take the train and bus about an hour to see her for 5-15 minutes sometimes. Its driving me insane. I just want to go home. I just want to be home. My hearts being broke and I dont understand. I dont understand why. Im so tired of crying myself to sleep at night. Im so tired of having to drink myself to sleep on the rough nights. But I'm the bad guy apparently. I'm the one who flirts with her friends and says things about my ex to make her upset. So maybe its all my fault. I dont deserve it. Never will. Im destined for lonliness. Being in a relationship or not, I'm always goign to be alone and I have to learn to face that. I need to be held. I need to be told that I mean everything to her. Even if she's lying, I need it so bad, and i miss it so bad. I dont know what to do. I want to die. Just melt into this chair. Maybe melt out the window and down to the frozen ground. The hard pavement. This is it. Im scared. I need to know what to do. I need to know where to go. I need that unconditional love I was promised so many months ago. I need a shrink. Thats what I need. Fuck I'll look at this in 15 minutes and not know why I wrote it.

Fri, 23 Sep 2005 01:21:36 GMT

why must i always have a knife when i go insane? scars are gross, i fucking hate it.

Thu, 22 Sep 2005 19:21:24 GMT

I fucking missed hockey registration.. theres too many peopel in it. I'm so pissed off now. Im just gonna sit in my room and drink beer for the next 3 months til sign up comes again. FUCK.

My Evil Twin Has No Voice Just The Sounds Of Helicopters Crashing

Thu, 22 Sep 2005 04:07:50 GMT

journal time. journallllllllll. god blanks. where to start. I had an ok week. Kinda had some rough spots. Did things to myself I now regret. But hey, got enough of those whats a few more right. i think I'll be good for a while now. I feel fully content and loved unconditionally. No more lies. Alexisonfire was amazing last night. underoath told everybody to rush down to the floor.. so like half the stands did it was amazing.. got to see them.. then some bald headed nazi security gaurd tried to kick me and kristin out.. but we just backe dup and he wlaked by then we went back in so we were pretty much 3rd row for alexis. It was amazing. Simply amazing. The used palyed an amazing set as well.. I was so stoekd on them I wish I could have been closer but was so tired I would have passed out without a doubt. Schools goign alright.. wrote two stories in 3 hours tonight.. should work on them a bit more tomorrow morning. I want to cuddle tonight haha. I need a good sleep. I feel kinda sick. Might just go to bed now. Dont know if I have any more updates. Im done. After Connor speaks to you...
LUA
I know that it is freezing but I think we have to walk
I keep waving at the taxis; they keep turning their lights off
But Julie knows a party at some actor’s west side loft
Supplies are endless in the evening; by the morning they’ll be gone.
When everything gets lonely I can be my own best friend
I get a coffee and the paper; have my own conversations
With the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection
The mask I polish in the evening, by the morning looks like shit.
I know you have a heavy heart; I can feel it when we kiss
So many men stronger than me have thrown their backs out trying to lift it
But me I’m not a gamble you can count on me to split
The love I sell you in the evening, by the morning won’t exist.
You’re looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black
You just keep going to the bathroom always say you’ll be right back
Well it takes one to know one, kid, I think you’ve got it bad
But what’s so easy in the evening, by the morning is such a drag.
I’ve got a flask inside my pocket we can share it on the train
If you promise to stay conscious I will try and do the same
We might die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain
But what was normal in the evening, by the morning seems insane.
And I’m not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
The reasons all have run away but the feeling never did
It’s not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live
Cause what is simple in the moonlight, by the morning never is
What’s so simple in the moonlight, now is so complicated
What’s so simple in the moonlight, so simple in the moonlight

Sun, 11 Sep 2005 09:09:51 GMT

well it be 2:54 in the morning. I've had a good few days of partying. Thursday was good.. it was Zach's b-day so we went to Tequillas which was fun. Got nice and drunk.. came home.. friday I saw vanilla ice in concert. fuck yes it was an amazing moment in the life of Andrew. Next day we went shopping, and tonight I went to ians bands cd release party which was really cool. then from there we went to the back alley which is by far my favorite drinking place so far. Donny was up for the day so he came with.. got hammed.. almost saw a fight at the ctrain station. it was so cool. gill and tash and jessica were here to.. jess lives here.. goes to mount royal so weve got plans to hang out in the future. Its like 3:08.. bedtime night journal <3

Like Snow.. Like Gold..

Wed, 10 Aug 2005 23:02:55 GMT

It's been yeat another long break form journal writing. Guess I'm just too busy. I'm into SAIT next year.. dont know if I ever wrote about that, but it should rock. I'm into res as well. I hope I get some cool roommates. Hmm love life is confusing right now. But it's all getting worked out. I know shes where I'm going to end up in the end. No matter how much space or how many people get between us. It'll all be alright someday. I feel as if I have lost 2 of my best friends. Dustin doesnt really tlak to me much anymore, and Simones always so busy that things just dont work. I'm afraid. Were going to lose touch I know it. I mean if we cant stay in touch when we live in the same town how are we gonna do it in different cities. its fucked really. Chels and I have only got closer due to this though. Im gonna miss her like shit. I dont know whats up tonight.. gotta go get Eva in a few.

"So Please Forgive What I Have Done, No You Can't Stay Mad At The Setting Sun, Cause We All Get Tired And Eventually There Is Nothing Left To Do But Sleep"

Thu, 23 Jun 2005 16:16:55 GMT

Last night I ruined my life. I got my tatt yesterday. then totaled my truck. Now I'm awake and noone here and I'm broken and scared, so I called simone cause I need somebody. Last night was just one big blurr. I'm so disoreineted and confused. I can't remember the accident. Just waking up from being blacked out. Then taking Eva to Robin and Karens.. thank god I was thinking enough to do that. They called my parents.. then we went and backed the truck out.. pulled it to the Douvilles. I hope Danny can fix it up for me. But now i gotta work the summer to pay it all off. Anybody who reads this please dont let the rumour get around alright.. cause I don't want the cops involved. I'm gonna wait for her.

Tue, 21 Jun 2005 16:15:43 GMT

Well its morning. Rough night. Rough day. Really needed someone to talk to. At least I called Chels for a bit.. she was good to talk to, helped me a little. Eva didn't really care enough to call back. So whatever. Nice to know someone cares about you tho hey. Work was shitty. Really shitty. Family is giving me trouble again to. Its days like yesterday that make me fucking crave for the end of August so fucking bad.. I'll be gone soon. Last night I did nothing. waited by the phone till like from 8-10.. then gamed it a bit.. came on here.. tried to go to sleep but i couldnt.. so i came on here and played wheel of fortune with kate till like 1 in the morning. It was good to talk to her, it was fun.. we made fun of mexicans and how they raise the roof haha. But yea.. after that I had a little trouble but I slept a little easier which is good. Today I'm gonna go to the crick and such.. should be cool. then tatt tomorrow. woot woot.

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 17:36:22 GMT

PS!
I AM ONCE AGAIN RISK CHAMPION OF THE WORLD!
HOORAY!

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 17:32:46 GMT

well its been a while journal.. quite a bit to catch up on i suppose.I'm grading very soon.. all I have left to do is a biology provincial on this Friday. It's gonna be a tough one and I should think about studying for it. But really I don't think i will till towards the last minute. Anyways.. schools almost over.. it's a good thing yes. I'm finally free. The off to school in September. I can't wait to get out there on my own, experience the world outside of Creston. Anyways.. we had a pretty rad grad trip a few weeks ago.. went to like silverwood.. that kicked ass.. then like a big boat cruise.. and everyone got a long which was suprising.. and very nice actually. But yea.. things with Eva are excellent. She doesn't know how happy she makes me. I've been unable to explain it to her in a way which she would believe me about it yet. We had a little fight yesterday but it wasn't bad. Then we went to the park haha.. and like made up and such.. she got her shoe wet in a puddle so then I went into the bathroom to dry her sock like witht he hand dryer.. and then she like came in.. and well public bathrooms are a good place for make up sex haha.. it was all going great until the 80 year old man who like takes care of the park started to open the door.. then i went back very very quickly to drying the sock and i told him we'd be out in a minute or two haha.. it was awesome. Anyways yea.. oh im getting my tatt on wednesday.. I'm a little scared of what the parents will do.. very scared actually. But I don't really care.. If you think about it what can they do? make you take it back haha? cause yea.. they cant. So I'm stoked. But yea.. prolly write again after it's done..

Fri, 27 May 2005 01:44:39 GMT

Im sick.
Of this.
Of School.
Of Life.
Of being so sick.
My throat is killing me.
I'd go to a doctor but I hate them.
Im getting to that edge again. Getting to that place. Dancing on a tightwire of razorwire. I think my shoes have been cut. The fabric spindles away. I hope I slip, I hope I fall. I want to be split straight down the middle, a cross section of carnage. Open up my insides and see why I bleed. There It would be. Carved into my heart like salvation. Maybe The world would make a little more sense. Maybe People would slow down and take time to dance. To smile. To Breathe. Who the fuck knows what im tryign to say. thats the worst set of lines i've ever spewed. But who cares. nobody. fuck me. im leaving.

Wed, 25 May 2005 06:19:51 GMT

Wheeeewww. Guess who got into SAIT. This guy. Guess whos pretty stoked. My mom. Guess where I'm going next year. Residence? Maybe a park? Possilby rent my cousins house? Who knows. All I know is im gettign the fuck out of here, thank god. This weekend was pretty rad. Turned out friday I didnt have to work. So iI went to Patty's show at like 8. They played at 10:30.. they were headlining.. and fuck.. my brother can be in a band.. and he can sing. I was pretty proud.. moshing right up front, screaming the lyrics for him. It was cool. I hope he actually gets somewhere with it. Doubt it.. but its cool anyways. Then Saturday I went to supper with Eva then we went to Star Wars.. and it was fucking sweet haha.. then we like hung out for a bit. The Sunday was work all day of course.. then I played risk.. Aaron and Jenny were down.. it was good to spend time with Aaron and it was cool to get to know Jenny. I lost the risk belt due to a quadruple ass fucking but a bunch of fags who i will tower over in next months match. They'll pay haha. Then Monday was nice to have off. I went and got Eva at like 10 and we spent liek the whole day togehter. It was really pretty cause it was raining then sunny then rain then sun.. she met my aunt and uncle and cousins.. and they liked her which was awesome. shes met like all my cousins now.. and like a good half of my aunts and uncles. Shges still too embarassed by me to even have me meet her parents and such. But i guess its ok. Um yea.. Today was ok. I dunno. Ye ait was ok. tomorrow I have to do a play for soem classes in the school. I want to shoot myself. I dont wanna fucking do it. then iI have ball after.. so yea.. shitty day prolly haha. But yea. thats it.